I love the person I've become, because I fought to be her.

Survivor: 1. A person who has coped brilliantly with life's challenges.  2. One who has remained determined to keep moving forward, one day, one step at a time.  

(See also: defiant, gritty, strong-willed, courageous)

I posted on my Instagram yesterday about my meditation...the focus was about being in the now. When we focus on our past, it tends to manifest itself into depression. When we focus on the future, it usually is anxiety. We need to try and focus on being in the present, the here and now. Because once we do that, everything else will work itself out. So simple, yet so insanely difficult to do.
Sidebar to this - meditation. Can I just say, I have NO idea what I'm doing here. However, I did download an app (I do love this tech savvy generation) for it and I must admit, I am hooked. Even if it is just a placebo, it's helping! I find it so important to actually take time for ME. When was the last time you actually did that? Not, "oh I'm going to do something for myself and get my nails done". I'm talking setting aside actual time from your jam-packed day to reflect on you, focus on you, realign you? Try it. Isaiah woke up yesterday morning and sat there while I did it. I thought he may have fallen asleep and I'm certain he was bored out of his mind. But then later that night, he asked if we could meditate before bed!! So I encourage you to try it! Start small, 1 minute at a time and build on it.
So back to me. *hair flip* I'm just trying to focus on the now. However, it's Such. A. Struggle. I've never been alone! I went from living with my parents (high school), to living with a roommate (college), to getting married (for 12 years), to now divorced and alone. I literally do not know how to function. My head is telling me "just be independent, focus on you, focus on kids, life, the now", but my heart is saying "you need someone to hold you!" I don't know how many times I've wanted to call up a friend and say "can you just come over? I need someone to let me lay in their lap while we watch tv" or "can you come spend the night and sleep next to me? My house is so empty without another adult". My love language is touch...I crave it! And this period I'm in is teaching me....what I don't know yet, but God how I miss it.
For over a year I allowed myself to feel things I've never felt towards another person, good things! Such insane deep love and affection; openness and trust. We planned our future, starting a family, blending families, and countless other small and big events that were going to be our new lives. And it all turned out to be a lie. The guilt and shame I feel for believing words spoken to me with such devotions behind them...how do you get over that? I truly want to know friends. How do I forget those feeling, when it all turned out to be someone lying to me? How do I trust again? How do I allow myself to be vulnerable?
I have so many questions, so many unanswered, empty dreams. But I've come to realize that those dreams weren't realistic to begin with. They were based off of deceit and a misrepresentation of a man I thought I knew. And that is the healing I'm trying to deal with....knowing that my happiness isn't dependent on a person. I still don't know how at times. So help me! Share with me how you've struggled and overcome. And please don't be surprised if I text you for snuggles.